I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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