Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
