So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
