Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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