I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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