just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
