I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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