Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
