I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
