Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
