areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
