Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
