I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
