if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
