apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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