I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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