I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
