I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
