you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
