My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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