there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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