It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
