So drunk its hurt
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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