I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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