Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
