I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
