I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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