i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
