life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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