My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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