oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
