I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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