Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
