I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
