Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
