She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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