Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
