I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just high enough for therapy.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
