sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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