turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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