R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
