i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
