hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
