u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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