I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
