apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
