my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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