If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
