I could make wine with my vomit
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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