do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
